Ogre’s Politics and Views

via Kender:

Exercise for People over 40:

Begin your routine by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and eventually work up to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m currently at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Tags: Silliness by Ogre
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

‘Come have a look over here, ’says Paddy, ‘It’s Michael O’ Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.’

‘That’s nothing, ’says Sean, ‘here’s one named Patrick O’ Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.’

Just then, Seamus yells out, ‘Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!’

‘What was his name?’ asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: ‘Miles, from Dublin.’

——————-
Irish Job Application:

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, ‘Thank you for coming to the interview, but We’ve decided to give the American the job.’

Murphy, ‘And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.’

Manager, ‘We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.’

Murphy, ‘And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?’

Manager, ‘Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.’

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If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

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Tags: Silliness by Ogre
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I can neither confirm nor deny having done any of these things.

10. You ticked him off once, and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Popularity: 31% [?]

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I need to print up a few more of these to hand out at work…

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

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Tags: Silliness by Ogre
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An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!” After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

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Ah yes, it’s true, you know it…

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

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An oldie, but a goodie:

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, “I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?”

Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed “print it”, it was all there. “How did he do it.” Satan asked? God smiled and said, “Jesus Saves.”

Popularity: 36% [?]

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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said,”Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,”How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,”How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,”How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,”Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,”We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.

Popularity: 36% [?]

Tags: Silliness by Ogre
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Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.”

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read “Will work for food.” If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read “Now hiring.”

At an office: “This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions.”

SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: “Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.”

Popularity: 37% [?]

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Ah Friday, time for a bit of the lighter fare:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car and take the breathalyser test. Just as he is about to blow into the bag, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.

The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has ‘flu and has been in bed all day.They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with ‘flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Popularity: 38% [?]

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I like traveling in foreign countries. I think at last count I’d been to about 16 of them. And I have seen quite a few strange English translations…

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China

Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo

French fried ships - Cairo

Garlic Coffee - Europe

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe

Boiled Frogfish - Europe

Sweat from the trolley - Europe

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong

Roasted duck let loose - Poland

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland

Fried friendship - Nepal

Strawberry crap - Japan

Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam

Toes with butter and jam - Bali

French Creeps - L.A.

Fried fishermen - Japan

Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan

Pepelea’s Meat Balls - Romania

Popularity: 37% [?]

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Well, I’m still off on vacation, but I know some of you still have to work. This one’s for you.

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On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs at the Polo Grounds,
“Marvelous” Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third base, Chicago firstbaseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said, “Forget it Casey.He didn’t touch second either!”

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Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play. “Eddie’s got it! Eddie’s got it!,” he yelled.

Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald, first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman Eddie Bockman looked on.

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The other day was take your daughter to work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.

Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

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Los Angeles third baseman Pedro Guerrero committed several hard-to-believe fielding errors during one game. This was during the same time that Dodgers’ second baseman Steve Sax was undergoing his horrendous and well-publicized fielding slump in which he couldn’t throw the most routine ball to first without trouble.

In the post-game meeting, Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda was at a loss with Guerrero. “What are you thinking out there,” Lasorda asked.

“Two things,” Guerrero said.

“What’s the first thing?”

“God, don’t let them hit the ball to me.”

“And what’s the other thing,” Lasorda said.

“Don’t let them hit the ball to (Steve) Sax.”

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How about a lighter day, today? Yeah, sure, there’s plenty of bad news around, and there’s even plenty to complain about in the major leagues. But why not have some fun? I think for most of the rest of today, I’ll just post baseball jokes. So come on back later on and I’ll see what I can dig up. I’ll start with this one:

Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice.”Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I’d take off my toeplate and retire from pitching,” Gibson said.

Flood smiled.

“In fact, roomie,” Gibson continued, “If I hit the way you do, I think I’d also retire from baseball.”

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Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. “Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Sox fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter, and he began writing again.

“Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack,” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Cubs fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?” inquired the reporter. “I’m a Yankees fan,” the child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote “Little Brat from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Popularity: 29% [?]

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Not enough silliness in the afternoons. Here you go!

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”

The girl behind the counter replied, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” the man continued, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”

“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”

“Then just give me some chocolate,” he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, “Sir, will you spell ‘van,’ as in ‘vanilla?’”

The man spells, “V A N.”

“Now spell ’straw,’ as in ’strawberry.’”

“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Now,” the girl asked, “spell ’stink,’ as in chocolate.”

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, “There is no stink in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she screams.

Popularity: 26% [?]

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