Breakin’ the Law
I think I’m going to go break the law. Maybe Thursday afternoon, maybe Saturday. But I’m going to break the law.
So what am I going to do? Assault someone? Nah, I’m too peaceful for that. Rob a bank? No point in it. No, the most serious violation, for which I may be jailed (really) is much worse. I’m going to buy water from the city. Yes, that’s a serious crime. But I’m only doing it for safety’s sake (and the children, of course).
This all started last summer when The Worst Drought Ever Recorded In All The History Of The World struck the southeastern United States. First we were asked to conserve water. I did. Then we were told not to use water. I didn’t. And then it became a crime to use water. Well, you could use water, but not “too much.” How much is “too much?” The all-knowing government will tell you — when you’ve used too much.
In some areas, like Charlotte, low-level bureaucrats could fine and jail you with zero due process, and zero involvement from law enforcement or the judicial system. They can just declare you guilty and it’s off to jail with you (seriously). In other areas, like mine, the city will just turn off your water if you use “too much.” Which leads to the crime I shall soon commit.
I used to wash my car about once every two weeks. Since the Drought To End All Droughts, I have not washed it. This has been many months now. It has now reached the point where I simply cannot see out my windows. The rear-view mirrors are so coated with dirt that they’re completely useless. When looking through the back window, I can only see smears of color to indicate other cars. It is seriously unsafe for me to be driving, because I simply cannot see other vehicles.
Therefore, I’m going to be responsible and break the law. I do this knowing that I may be jailed for a prolonged period of time. While I often write satire, this is not the case here. Really.
You see, if someone anonymously reports me, or the police drive by and spot me purchasing this water from the city and using it to wash my car, my water may be turned off to my house. If this is the case, it will be unsafe and unsanitary for me to use the toilets in my house. Since I don’t want to be accused of polluting the ground water, I shall, instead of using my own toilets, defecate in the street where the trash folks can pick it up. I imagine they will not be happy with that. However, I will have no other options because the city will have forced me to NOT use my own toilets. I am certain it will not take long for them to arrest me for doing so. At least once they throw me in jail I’ll have a toilet to use.
So, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, check the county jails. I may soon end up there for committing the serious crime of buying water from the city and not using it for an “approved” action. If so, thanks, working people, for the free toilet and food for however long they put me in there.
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Seriously, I can’t help but to laugh. I’m so damn frustrated and angered of all the governments in our country that I’m seriously thinking of moving… away.
My only debate now is whether to use a bucket in the privacy of my garage and empty that into the street or if I shall just “go” right there in the street…
Ooooh, I’m tellin!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’ll have the Queen City Climahysteria Policia on your doorstep within moments. I think what you are planning on doing is also considered a hate crime, since you are going to be affecting all those po’ people.
It might even be a Crime Against Humanity! Call the Hague!
I do expect to be charged with various different crimes. And in my defense I shall simply exercise my right to remain silent.
In Liberal World, that would be enough to convict you. The Constitution is a living, change, mutable document, ya know. Might have to look at Cuban law.
I’m pretty sure using water is a crime in South Uzbekistan. Therefore, it’s a crime here, right?
Ogre, I want you to “think about the children” before you commit such a heinous act of treason!!!!! How many little children won’t have healthcare tomorrow because of your selfishly washing your car!!! Stop and think about all the children crying because they can’t have their “Tubby Time” because you used “the water allocation from on high”!!!!
Of course I’m thinking of the children. In fact, I might go get a license plate that tells everyone that they are stupid scum and are lower than children. In North Carolina, that’s the “Kids First” license plate. And I’ll be sure to wash it when I wash the car so everyone knows that they are nothing and should shut up and give me their money “For The Children.”
I would love to wash my car. Filthy. My neighbor got popped a few months ago. $250 fine.
Thank God the geese take a different flight path to the pond then over my home.
We have had “Kids First” plates for about 10 years or more. I always say, it’s the libtards in the mini van with the soccer ball in the back window and the Kids First plate that will “kill you on the interstate”!!!! LOL!!! Good idea Ogre, the plate will make a sane person like yourself hard to distinguish from a Socialist Libtard and you will probably “get off with just a warning” instead of jail time for washing your car! You are so brilliant!!!!
Ogre, seriously think of the kids. Do any of them… or anybody else for that factor… really need to see you deficating in the streets?
Actually, I was thinking of getting the kids to wash the car for me. Darn lazy neighborhood bums need to do some work.
And Teach, if they fine me, I’m just ignoring them. I refuse to participate in a corrupt system.
[...] other day I mentioned my plans to break the law. I explained why I was doing it (for my own personal safety). And William [...]